Another Offended Snowflake.

In the nonprofit sector, I am something of an odd man out.

Not particularly politically polarized.

Not particularly involved with social causes because we do not do that sort of work.

Not particularly supportive of the idea of dismantling what works simply to appease and attract folks who probably do not need to be appeased nor attracted.  You know....stereotypical millennials.

Not inclined to ask anymore or any less of those around me than I ask of myself.

One thing that sets me apart as well is the fact that- unlike a lot of folks- is the fact that while I can disagree with someone I do not pull the "Either he goes or I do" attitude unless the person is advocating harm to others, being a racist, sexist or otherwise judging people on grounds that are beyond their control.  Some of the people I like and respect most actually make me roll my eyes and laugh when I read their thoughts on certain subjects.  There are some really great people that I have learned a tremendous amount from who I feel this way about.  However, they are good enough people that if they called and said "Hey, I am on the transplant waiting list for a kidney", my first response would be "You're type O negative right?" as I hold a knife to my back to conduct the removal.  Good people are, for the most point, good people regardless of their viewpoints or how much we might disagree with them.  

Thus, over in a nonprofit group on Facebook, one of the "snowflakes" apparently took offense that I blocked her...after she sent me a racist private message basically stating that I could not understand things because I am white and male.  The message was provoked by my pointing out during a discussion about drug testing that "the tree of applicants is largely self-pruning" because people tend to make themselves less suitable or even viable candidates through choices they make like (cue the voice of Chris Rock during his "How Not to Get Your Ass Beat by the Police" video): 

-Doing drugs (pro tip: if you feel like you absolutely have to do drugs in your spare time, don't do stuff that stays in your system more than a few hours; things that are not fat soluble are your friend)

-Violent crime

-Non-violent crime

-Being a member of hate groups

-Not being able to follow simple instructions like "Do not bring anyone with you to the interview" (looking at you, 23 year old who brought his mother with him to a volunteer interview).  

-Lying on your application, resume or CV

-Not filling out the application completely or correctly.

-Acting indignant when your interviewer points out that no, you will not be put in a supervisory role upon completion of your 90 day probationary period.

Yes, that last one happened twice.  One involved a young woman who flipped out to the point that as she stormed out of the Starbucks that the hipster at the next table looks at me and goes "You dodged a bullet on that one".  When hipsters think you are taking yourself too seriously, you may want to reevaluate your stances.

Back to the matter at hand...

So...I dared argue that people should be judged in a way that is largely based- to quote Dr. King- "on the content of their character" as reflected in their actions.

Our little snowflake- with the expected but unwarranted righteous indignation one expects from someone who has never had to struggle to survive-  responded with a long rambling post about how inequitable this and that was to this group and that.  Basically, she vomited talking points like a clueless politician in front of a malfunctioning teleprompter.  It was really cute in a sad sort of way.  

Bless her heart. (Note: said using the southern definition of that expression by the way)

Here is some sound advice: the moment someone leads their argument with "white privilege", you need to remind them that it is no different than starting a sentence with "I don't hate black people but they....".  Congratulations.  Someone called "forward march"  and you led with the foot that is covered in the rank feces of racism, bigotry and inequality.  Not the best argument when you want to accuse someone of discriminatory practices.  It carries this "do as I say, not as I do" vibe which makes you look like a double standard espousing hypocrite.

Few side points since she brought it up: we don't give two shits what you made at your last job and thus do not ask.  Our offer is our offer and you can take it or leave it.  There are only a few things more annoying than someone who constantly disagrees with company policy based on "Well, that's not how we did it at my last job/unit/circle jerk".

We do not have a degree requirement for any job where there is not an external mandate like a license to practice or something along those lines.  I will take the legal immigrant who speaks four languages but does not have a degree (and has to have our high school diploma requirement waived on the grounds of her equivalent experience) over the sheltered kid who has never held a real job but has his masters in underwater basket weaving.  It is not because of trying to balance the playing field or make up for past injustices.  Spoiler alert: you cannot change what has happened.  The only thing you can do is learn from it and you do not do that by simply switching which group is favored.  

What drives this is a simple dose of practicality: the immigrant is probably a ton less egotistical, a ton more practically useful and also probably much nicer than someone who still lives with his parents and has never had to balance a checkbook.  Bonus points if the immigrant is willing to teach us (or just me if no one else is interested) how to speak the languages in question.  Actually, bonus points to anyone who wants to teach me or someone else useful skills as we try to expand to working around the world.

Unless you are doing something other than riding a desk for your job, we are not going to test your physical abilities.  By the way, if you don't have an actual disability and and cannot lift thirty pounds you probably need to get more exercise. Being weak because you are simply lazy should not be a thing to defend the validity of it.

Five bucks says our little startup is being more proactive from the start than this person gives us credit for.  Hell, we do not have any transgender folks working for us but have a lengthy and detailed policy in place ready to support an employee or volunteer who is.  We have a policy that prohibits us from using vendors and suppliers that support discriminatory or hateful behaviors.  But hey...we dare to drug test so we're soooooooo inequitable and unconcerned.  Pardon me while I excuse myself to the bathroom to get my eyeballs unstuck from their rolled position.

So...I basically ignored her little "Look at me! I'm a bigot but it's okay because I only target white folks so I am a super duper person! You're a horrible human being because you're not just like me! I'm fair! Yippee!" attempt at disagreement.  In responding to another person who commented, pointing out that drug testing does carry with it an at least perceived undue impact on African American folks (which in and of itself is probably driven by a stereotype more than by reality), I pointed out that I appreciated him being polite, professional and civil and that anyone who was not risked being blocked.  If you're a racist, sexist or other form of bigot, you don't get the pleasure of my company.  That's all there is to it.

My response (partially cropped because of an unrelated discussion at the first part of the first comment):

Apparently the fact that I didn't immediately respond to her directly was not good enough for her.  She immediately sent me the private message I originally mentioned.  

I believe my response to the message was a standard sarcastic quite along the lines of "Did you just assume my ethnicity and gender?" For the record: I am/do identify as male and my ethnic heritage is composed largely of five shades of pasty white alcoholic- Scottish, Irish, English, Welsh and German- but I do have Cherokee heritage as well on my  dad's side although it is not enough to warrant claiming in a significant fashion nor do I maintain any cultural affiliation so making it out to be anything other than an interesting footnote is not justifiable.

After waiting until I knew she had seen the reply, I blocked her and thought I had washed my hands of her.  Nope.  She waited three days got offended by the fact that I had not been removed from the "safe space" and threatened to quit the group.  Apparently the rule that if you know that you cannot make a person change and cannot agree to disagree at least to the point where you can speak in a civil fashion that it is best to avoid them was never taught in her upper middle class cloistered home by her affluent parents like it was in the home I shared with my poor but generally decent parents growing up.  Nope.  I'm the bad person here because I am the wrong color and gender to understand things.  *eyeroll*

There are plenty of things you can justifiably fault me on....

-Abrasive personality

-So-so table manners

-Believes that indirect, soft, flowery language that misses the core point is for people who lack the spine to actually handle the truth (first person to make a Jack Nicholson reference is getting smacked)

-Working assumption that most people did something (or failed to do something that they should have which warrants the bad things that happened to them

...and you have to resort to a private message and public comments about how it's racial and gender privilege  that does it.  No, my sweet snowflake, it is not.  Trust me.  Go find a black female Marine, cop, firefighter, etc.  It's called not living a sheltered privileged upbringing and then moving into a job where you are in an echo chamber until you go back to your home in a community that probably only sees minorities (at least without the police immediately being called for "suspicious persons") when whichever company mows your lawn shows up.

Upon reading this our little self important snowflake and her supporters will no doubt be like:

...and that, my dear children, is positively delicious on one hand and absolutely terrifying on the other.  We're talking about people so soft and immature that they cannot handle the idea that they might be wrong. 

Judging Character and Learning Lessons

Over on the Executive Director Happy Hour Facebook group, one of the members brought up a good point about lazy staff.  It was related to folks not wanting to clean up after themselves because of having a janitorial service, not wanting to replace items that have been used up, etc.  It inspired this post in hopes of learning.

In fire and EMS (which was my first career both in terms of paid and/or volunteer capacities)  there's what are known as "house chores" or "station chores". You don't get to sit down or watch TV etc until your assignment is done. Even EMS students have to help. So the idea of not picking up after oneself at work, not restocking, etc just makes me bristle.  It simply should be part of a person's duties.  It sucks that it comes down to saying "pick up after yourself" needs to be written into the job description but then again we have to put in writing even more blatantly obvious or basic tasks...  *shakes fist at sky* #KidsTheseDays

Besides...it is incredibly disrespectful to the janitorial staff to not pick up after yourself. Honestly, that gets at me more because of the way I was brought up.  Which brings me to what I guess you could call today's sermon...

When I was a young EMT and still very wet behind the ears, my medical director (the doctor under whose license we practiced) was a former Vietnam special forces combat medic turned civilian paramedic turned emergency physician and all around hard ass.  He also had the best bedside manner of any physician I have ever seen.  He was demanding of his people and often wasn't well liked by EMS providers because he expected everyone to be the best or go find work elsewhere.  However, he also was one of the most loyal people I have ever known and had all the ferocity of a wolverine that has been snorting PCP after a week long coke fueled bender in defending "his medics" from undue harm or false accusation.

One of the greatest lessons he ever taught me was demonstrated one day in the emergency department (ED).  He had a young doctor who came in to see how the ED ran and in hopes of joining the practice group. Kid was a top student, chief emergency medicine resident at a major hospital, blah blah...a real good catch on paper. He was following Robert (my medical director; also not his actual name in order to protect his privacy) around and one of the trauma rooms was being cleaned after a messy case.

The housekeeper doing it was an older black lady who we all referred to as "Mrs Mellenson" or simply "Mom" out of respect since she always referred to us as "kiddo", "sonny" or "baby girl".  When she passed away a year or two after this event happened, there was a sea of EMS uniforms, fire uniforms and surgical scrubs there because we all loved her; I miss her....I tear up thinking about her.   She always told me I need to put on weight (I was a 155 lb kid at the time) and always made sure to leave snacks for me in a bag on my locker.  She had a heart of gold.  Even as crotchety and crabby as I can be at times, I hope to be even a tenth as good of a person as she was some day.

Mom stepped out after Robert had passed and blocked this young doc's way by accident.  He let loose on her about how she needed to remember her place and he's a doctor and she's not.  This self-aggrandizing bullshit went on for about fifteen seconds. The entire department went silent. I was a good ten feet away and still swear I heard Robert's knuckles crack as he clenched his fists.

He didn't hit the guy, didn't say a word. He grabbed him be the shirt collar, dragged him backwards off his feet. Across the floor to the ambulance bay doors and dropped him on his ass just outside the door. Quietly, very calmly he said "You are a disgrace to the profession. You are not to ever darken the doorstep of this hospital again. No one ever taught you the proper respect for others that goes with being a man let alone being a leader. Let me say this: if you think that you're the end all be all and that housekeepers and others are there only to serve you, you're a worthless sack of shit. Get out."

He then walked over to Mom, took her by the hands and in the softest voice I have ever heard from the man goes "Ma'am, I am so so sorry that he spoke to you like that. I was wrong to bring him in here. I hope that there is no harm done."
"'cept to that boy's butt and pride? Nope. But thank you nonetheless my dear."
"We all love you.  You're more important to this department than I ever could be.  Don't ever forget that."
He gave her a hug, then turned around and walked off as if nothing had happened.  He did what he needed to do, said what needed to be said and was off.

The main lesson learned: You can always judge a person's character pretty accurately by the way they treat housekeeping staff. The same goes for behavior directed at wait staff, delivery drivers, bar tenders, cashiers and folks performing other "menial" tasks. It doesn't matter what title you have, you should never look down on anyone who makes it possible for you to do your job or live your life.  If you've never worked retail or as a bartender or waiter/waitress, pick up a shift or two per week.  It will be an eye opening experience in more ways that one.

If you have someone who works for you and they have a task that you're qualified to do but you feel is beneath you, your priorities need to be realigned.  I am happy to do this by arranging a meeting between my boot and any ass that needs it.  My going rate is a case of Cokes or an equivalent cash donation to our organization.  The acknowledgment letter may be difficult to produce because I am not sure what the fair market value of a swift kick to the ass is these days.  Anyone?  Anyone? Bueller?

There is a secondary lesson buried in here as well.  I knew Robert well between work and having later dated his eldest daughter.  He's quite capable of raising his voice when necessary.  But you'll notice that I pointed out that he did not when dressing this young punk doctor down.  If you remain calm and as emotionless as possible, it makes the impact of your words all the greater.  People know how to deal with someone who is yelling and screaming.  It is unsettling to watch someone coldly and flatly gut your ego like a hunter gutting a deer.  It actually can be downright terrifying because it is usually a demonstration of professional bearing that you didn't exercise during whatever led to them being displeased with you.

I will point out that this second lesson is something that I still work on to this day.  There are times I can do it and there are times that I cannot.    However, that first lesson is something I have no trouble doing.  Even as a cynic of sorts, it just seems like such a basic courtesy.

No matter how good you are, you never accomplish anything entirely alone.  Now....go tidy up your desk.  ;)

Special Snowflakes vs Reality

For the first real post here, I want to address something that came up in a group on Facebook for nonprofit executive directors.  One of the members went off on what amounts to little more than a self-indulgent hissy fit about about how people being "passive/aggressive" was making her workplace unpleasant and hostile.  From the description rendered, it really struck me as being more "I don't like being told that I screwed up" scenario and less an actual people being hostile.

On the scale that accompanies the "List of Things That Make Steve Mildly Misanthropic", being an entitled self-important snowflake who cannot stand being criticized or take being laughed at is pretty close to the top.  It's not quite "Let's resort to violence and property crimes to protest someone getting shot because he was stupid enough to pick a fight with the cops" level stupid.  You know "Rioting for Peace"....right up there with "Fucking to Preserve Virginity" for nonsensical responses to a perceived problem.

It is pretty indicative of someone who has their head crammed pretty firmly up their own ass.  The fact that these attitudes are held by folks who- based on their professional roles- probably deal with people who lead lives that makes theirs look far more entitled than they are willing to admit.  Usually this sort of crap is the result of people who have never had any sort of difficulty

The even more asinine part of this little shit show was when the person who posted it was called on it (by me), she resorted to a rather sexist attitude of basically saying "Well, men don't understand how it sounds".  Now...two things: 1) thanks for assuming that because I am a guy that I lack basic perceptive skills 2) if you would get offended by my turning that around and saying "Well, women are just too fucking sensitive sweetheart...so pop back into the kitchen and make me a sammich" (WHICH I AM NOT JUST SO WE ARE CLEAR) then using a gender based fallacy for the crux of your rebuttal does not make you "enlightened", "insightful" or anything else that a reasonable person would take as a compliment.

It makes you a self-absorbed, bigoted hypocrite.  No further discussion necessary.  You've just made it pointedly clear that you dismiss differing viewpoints largely on the basis of things beyond a person's control.  The irony of flaunting one's troglodytic prejudice loudly and proudly on a day intended to celebrating a person who was murdered for trying to counter such attitudes (Martin Luther King Jr) is just so overwhelming that I doubt there are words for it.

Here's the takeaway from all of this:  if you cannot grasp the concept that every single one of us will screw up and that it's perfectly healthy to respond to a superior's bad idea with "Yeah, sure boss.  I'll get right on that.  Just let me make sure my insurance premiums are paid up first", then you probably have too much of an ego to be a maximally effective leader.  If you put yourself so far above those who work for you or with you that the idea of a good-natured prank or joke offends you, then YOU are the problem.

Sarcasm, blunt responses and what the person who inspired this post would consider to be passive aggression have been at the core of bonding together societies, cultures and teams since time immemorial.  You see a lot of folks who don't understand laconic commentary.  This would be seen today by overly sensitive types as passive aggressive but it is nothing more than getting the point across succinctly and perhaps with a little humor to lighten a tense situation.   It is also a very effective way to deflate a person whose pomposity has reached proportions that the Goodyear Corporation comes calling because they are looking to add another huge bag of gas to their fleet of airships.

A classic example being the famous terse reply given to Philip II of Macedon (for those not familiar, that would be the father of Alexander the Great) when he told the Spartans that if he invaded their homeland their culture would be destroyed and unable to rebuild: "If".  As in, "You don't have the balls to do it".  Just for the record....that invasion never happened.

If you want an example involving a woman, you need to look no further than another famous reply from a Spartan.  That being the reply of Gorgo (queen of the Spartans and wife of the famed hero Leonidas) who was asked why only Spartan women were allowed to rule men: "Because we are the only ones who give birth to men".  Passive aggressive as hell but it's also a statement that most modern feminists would be hard pressed to top in terms of "I don't give a shit what you think".  It's powerful without sounding like you're overreaching.  Which....given that she was the queen of the land that spawned probably some of the most storied warriors in antiquity it's hard to argue with her assessment.

Before a bunch of folks with questionable judgment and even more questionable motives decided that society should start handing out awards for showing up, a sense of camaraderie was fostered largely through what seems like childish or perhaps even slightly mean practices. Firefighters, military, EMS, cops, nurses....pretty much any highly stressful and/or difficult field has their inside jokes.  Their standard pranks.  If you don't feel like it is anything but a "Hey, I am one of the team", that' on you.

YOU have separated yourself from the team.  YOU have created a dichotomy where one should not exist.  YOU have failed in leading your people because if they want to speak up they should have every right to do so so long as it is not meant to usurp or circumvent your power.  Most of the time, even the most snarky comment made in private or within the confines of a team who trusts one another- especially in cases where you are literally trusting your colleagues with your life and they you with theirs- is not meant nor should it be taken in such a context.

A good leader should be completely comfortable with his or her people joking with him even if they are somewhat on the receiving end of the humor.  You give it right back.  That's how this is supposed to work.  You aren't just there to make decisions.  You are there to be one of them.  If you cannot see that then you are failing the most basic task a leader has to the people they lead.  You are there to care for them as though they are your own.  If they cannot laugh at you or at one another....congratulations.  You are destroying that team as surely as any external force ever could.

Welcome to the Bear Pit

Welcome to a blog which will hopefully help dispel the myth that nonprofits are just chock full of easily offended, soft, ineffective people who all have political leanings further left than the 'E' on a fuel gauge.  Don't get me wrong, we have more than our fair share of those but we have plenty of folks who fall towards the middle of the political spectrum (including myself) or maybe lean a little to right.  It frustrates those of us who are not polarized liberals to have to deal with the more recalcitrant ones.  For the polarized folks who might be reading this, you know how you feel like blood is going to shoot out your nose when dealing with someone who is at the opposite end?  Those of us in the middle feel that way about dealing with folks at both ends of the spectrum.

That also should not be taken as an across the board condemnation of those with more liberal viewpoints.  A reasonable and intelligent person often learns more from those they do not agree with than he does from those with whom they march in lock step.  Some of the best and brightest folks in the nonprofit world- people I hold in extremely high regard like Vu Le of Nonprofit with Balls - make me want to pound my head against my desk anytime a remotely political topic comes up.  If you cannot respect an otherwise good person simply because you disagree with them on something (within reason), you have failed as a human being.  Full stop.  Do not pass 'go', do not to get an unrestricted grant for $200.

A little background on me so that you know where I am coming from with this.  I am one of the founders of a new nonprofit startup geared towards research and forensic support efforts.  My experience is in a weirdly odd mix of military (Air Force enlisted medical who never left the country during his service except on vacation), emergency medical services, fire departments, a forensics agency, research labs, a chain of funeral homes and a hog farm among others  You ever want to make negotiations easier? Point out that your first paid job was castrating pigs.  The number of people willing to argue decreases significantly.

I found myself in the nonprofit sector completely on a lark.  Our mission grew rather randomly out of a debate between myself and a trauma surgeon almost ten years ago.  Literally, our nonprofit can trace its origins back to what amounts to a bar bet.   I never planned a career as an executive director and given a lack of business education the learning curve associated with this job has been steeper than nearly anything else I have ever dealt with.  Like every other promotion I have ever received this was one of those "Congratulations! We took a vote and you lost!  You're the new _______!".  I have learned that I have to be careful making that joke around younger nonprofit professionals because it gets me some serious side eye from the ones who want a position like mine but have yet to earn it .  Bit of advice: no matter how much you want to be an executive director I cannot in good faith recommend a startup as a way to achieve that.

Few other things to keep in mind:

-Along with the rest of our board,  we are staunchly pro-law enforcement, pro-law and order (both in the sense of the criminal justice system and the television series; Lenny Briscoe and I have a very similar sense of humor), pro-veterans (hence why I am using a picture from Ranger Up Apparel as my profile picture; hopefully they don't mind), reasonably patriotic, etc etc.
-I may demographically be a millennial but I cannot stand the attitudes of a lot of my nominative peers.  If you have seen the CBS series "The Great Indoors", my dealing with millennials is very similar to that of the character of Jack. 

-If you cannot laugh at yourself, chances are we are not going to see eye-to-eye.